I stood there under marbled sky and wondered where you were. Waited there, where the light turned vanilla and the shadows coffee black, waited and hoped you would find me. The light faded, the shadow grew, I walked out alone without holding you.
To the long nights that forget how to end. To the silent mornings and empty beds. To the hands unheld and gazes not shared. The missed memories and wasted time. To them all, your time is coming to haunt no more. The hour of your passing will never be celebrated. Time please make a prophet of me.
and replace it now with hope?
Can we start again?
All of this time, the moon has been pulling. All of this time, the Earth has been resisting. Maybe all it wants is to finally touch the sea, maybe it just does not want to be alone any more. I looked up at the moon, and I swear I saw my face in it.
Let sink the red so it can rest before rising again. Let cool the clouds so they do not donate their tears too soon. I will witness the passing of another day, I will smile at my skin, thankful for the colors the sky has lent.
These days, the moments I spend away from you are just reminders that this is going to end, that we will no longer be “us” in a couple of months. It is the most painful realization that I’ve had to face in… I don’t even know how long. Even more painful than the reality of leaving this beautiful country. Hell, I would not have even got to know this place had it not been for you. You showed me so many things and help to open my eyes to hidden beauty while I was so busy being homesick and afraid. I cannot thank you enough for that, and I cannot thank you enough for just continuing to be you and helping me be me - the better, happier me - throughout all of this.
Reality sinks in when you are missing from me. It sinks in and I realize “This is what it is going to be like, only worse,” because I won’t be able to see you the next day, or next week, or… I don’t know. Maybe never again. Because isn’t the point of ending it to end it permanently? If we saw each other again in the future, wouldn’t we just fall right back into this? That’s the reality there, I think. At least for me. Because I love you so wholly, so fully, I don’t know of any other way to love. And I know that this will never stop, that I will just keep loving you no matter how far apart we are and no matter what it is that you are doing in your life. I love you. I have loved you and I will love you always, and that will never, ever change. So… I suppose we go through the rest of our lives lying to each other, lying to ourselves, pretending that everything is okay when in reality it isn’t. To not be able to BE with (in some form or another) a person you deeply, truly love is a terribly painful thing.
I should have known better than to ever think - to ever HOPE - that the worst thing we would be facing after I move back to the states is the distance. I should have known better than to let myself believe in that comfort, because distance is hard but ending is ten thousand times harder. I know because I am already feeling it. I know it is coming and it hurts so badly. This will be a loss, a death of sorts, and I am left wondering how I will grieve properly, how I will get through it. My family will tell me, “Oh, it will be okay! You can write each other and talk on Skype and you will still be friends!” They’ll tell me this without knowing what has happened between us.
I think only Jeremy will be able to understand why I will be so forlorn, so not-me, and even then he won’t be able to fully understand it, but because he loves me so, he will try. And the only reason why he might be the only one who sees it? He’ll be in contact with me daily. Otherwist, this is something I know I will have to try to bottle up and hide, and I am no longer good at bottling up emotions. When I was fourteen I was… but I stopped. I realized how unhealthy it was. Now everything just comes pouring out whenever the hell it wants to and I don’t even know how to slow it down sometimes, let alone stop it.
I let myself believe in the possibility of a future. A real one. I should realize how utterly stupid that was/is. The stupidest thing? I think there is part of me still holding onto some hope that it may still exist even when the larger part of me knows how hopeless it is to even cling to the remote possibility. No… not even the remote possibility. There is no possibility. None. I know this, and yet maybe a tiny part of me is in some sort of denial. Because our husbands supported us, and were definitely okay with us, I let myself believe that we could carry on indefinitely. I never even thought of Landon’s future, and I apologize for that.
This only hurts so badly because it is real. Because it hasn’t been me pretending to care, or me having a fling, or me “trying out a relationship (that isn’t long-distance) with a woman.” It has been me falling so desperately and utterly in love with you that I don’t know how I am going to possibly continue being me when this is over because it feels like a large part of me will just be gone, will just vanish like it never was. Except only I will know that it was, because there will be this gaping hole there where “we” used to be.
This is heartbreak, and I think it really started when your psychologist said that she feels I am an act of rebellion. It worsened when she said that I am a distraction, that I keep you from focusing on yourself and your husband and your son… your FAMILY (and that only hurts so much because I know it’s true). It worsened further still when we came to the (grown-up, rational) decision that this has to end when I leave. And I know it isn’t over yet. This will get worse. And I feel like with each day that slips by, it gets worse because with every day that goes by, I am one day closer to losing you. I hate the passage of days now and just wish that I could freeze time… so that the inevitable wouldn’t have to happen.
It is only really when I am away from you that I start to feel like this. That I start to LET myself feel like this, because trying to keep all of these emotions at bay all the time is just pointless and impossible. When I am with you, it is easier to let the stress and the feeling of impending doom melt away. I can be happy. I can be the real me instead of the me that this pain is trying to turn me into. But I guess the latter is also the real me, just not a me that I particularly care for.
You keep apologizing but you really have nothing to apologize for. I… am not what is best for you. Your relationship with me puts a strain on your relationship with your husband and your son. And it puts a strain on your relationship with YOURSELF most of all. I want you to be happy. Really BE happy, not just FEEL happy. And I want you to be happy with you, with your life. With the real you. I don’t think you can start doing that until… your distraction is gone.
I don’t want you to blame yourself. Or Landon. Please remember that it was my decision to be with you, and that I knew in the beginning that I could get hurt, but I allowed us to begin, and I allowed us to continue, and I still want us to be us for as long as we can, until I get on that stupid plane. I am not angry with you or your child (I love you both), but I’m angry with reality. I’m angry that in order to avoid lying to Landon, we have to eventually lie to ourselves and each other. We have to eventually deny ourselves US. I am angry at the situation that we are in… but even though it hurts now and I know it will hurt even worse later, I still do not regret a moment of it. If I had it to do all over again, even knowing that pain would be waiting for me and that we couldn’t last, I would still do it. I would still take that risk for you. With you. If we hadn’t gotten together, we would have toed the line… we were doing that before we ever got together, and I think that we still would have hurt, only in a different way. We would have regretted not giving it a shot. We would have ached over the missed opportunity. At least I know I would have.
So please, don’t ever regret this. Even after we are done. Even ten years down the road. Please don’t regret that we tried, that we defied negativity as long as we could.
I’m sorry that I seem so down when I am away from you lately. I’m sorry that I make all of these sad posts on Pinterest. It is just my way of dealing. This is a process. I’m trying. It may not seem like it, but I promise you I am.
I love you. That will not change, even when I am no longer here to distract you. I love you, and what I want most is for you to love you, too.
Did you say clouds and sunsets?
[Painting of Death as a spectral nanny taking a child and infant away from their bereaved family. A detail shows the family’s house number is 1918.]
I never realized this until seeing the detail, but this painting is most likely about the flu pandemic.
it’s really interesting seeing death portrayed as a woman
Especially a a nurturer rather than a destroyer
For sale on Etsy: “The Universe and Her, and I 207” link to buy in bio.
I have watched the sky bleed out over your hands
and kissed your sorry cheeks and the downward slope
that rounds off your mouth and four hours from the end
you swung your legs out of bed and found your shirt—
when they ask me what became of the first person
I got bold enough to love I’ll draw them
rising crescent moons and empty cloudy beaches;
talk about distant galaxies and looming constellations.
An entire universe inside your eyes and I
was not equipped to be even its smallest star.
but i’ve got to tell you
that shaking your hand that first time
felt like the end refrain
of some grand cosmic blueprint.
i’m not trying to say we were always leading up to this
(except i can’t shake the feeling that we were)
Does it matter how much I think
Would you admit it if it did?
Here’s the thing: I’m kind of fascinated by non-existence.
It’s just there’s so much going on in here - I mean, this head.
The concept of silence is too enormous.
I guess I think about the state of death like
I think about the state of space:
infinite, terrifying, heart-stoppingly peaceful.
I mean I don’t want to die
but I sure would appreciate the quiet.
I MISS YOU ALREADY (K.P.K)